It may be an occupational hazard, but I’ve always been afraid of wrong answers. As someone with a technical education in engineering, there is almost always a right and a wrong answer to any problem (you don’t want to cause a flood). This goes back further, of course, through school (where maths and sciences were more my thing) and even growing up at home. It’s an integral part of society, the right answer, and I guess once it was a matter of life and death. Luckily, we’ve moved beyond those times and now have the luxuries of wrong answers and making mistakes without getting eaten or going hungry. Now it is just a matter of not being ‘liked’, ‘followed’, ‘favourited’ or ‘retweeted’.

This fear of wrong answers has been at my core for as long as I can remember and more than once, people have remarked that I can’t accept being wrong. It has motivated me to score well on exams and earn praise for being right. I have annoyed friends and family by pushing points until ‘I win’. I’ve been paralysed by it and unwilling to speak up for fear of appearing a fool.

This fear of being wrong, of doing it wrong, has even pervaded my efforts at mindfulness throughout the first two weeks of Mindful in May.  Following Elise’s instructions through the guided meditations, I will catch myself getting just a teensy bit frustrated that I find it hard to observe my breath without controlling it. I judge myself for not ‘doing it right’. During one of these practices I realised what I was doing. I realised that I was judging myself. I also realise that I judge myself in everything.

My good friend Clare often talks about the openness and honesty that comes with not judging people. I’ll regularly observe people and notice myself judging them. I then chastise myself for doing so – thus judging myself. I look back at them and wonder if they are judging me in return. I generally think that they probably aren’t because they just don’t care, or are highly enlightened beings. This cycle often repeats. Whenever I try to improve something about myself I get caught in a web of judgement, feeling that by judging my failings I will motivate myself to improve.

But it is much simpler than all the worry of 32 years had taught me. I’m slowly learning through my 10 minutes of mindfulness each day to accept what is happening and move on. Leave it behind. Step by step I am accepting my mistakes, flaws and even judgements. Step by step I am leaving them behind.

Each week of Mindful in May (so far, there have only been two) has brought me the unexpected. Last week I was looking forward to taking mindfulness outside of my formal ‘sittings’ and into the sensory world around me. This week I realised I am taking it outside of those sittings but instead I am bringing it into the way I relate with myself.  The discipline of 10 minutes of meditation each and every day is slowly making space for me to emerge from my mask. As someone who has never felt quite comfortable with their own skin, or anyone  else’s, this is an eye opening experience.

Last year I discovered meditation. I came across it indirectly, through yoga. I’d been meaning to try both for a long time, and finally got myself into gear and went to a yoga class. One of the things that stood out for me was the 10 minutes quiet time, Shavassana, at the end of yoga practice. That meditative state led me to seek out Calm in the city, a weekly free meditation practice in Melbourne. Through there I heard about Mindful in May. I wasn’t dedicated enough in 2012 to stick with it though.

Twelve months later I made a commitment to myself, twitter and facebook (no breaking that one) that I’d meditate for 10 minutes, each day in May. So far so good. Not long after the calendar clicked over to 1st May, 2013 I had an email from Elise Bialylew, the founder of Mindful in May asking me (and over 2000 others) seven questions about why I am making this commitment. The questions were designed to “set my intention” and I’d thought about them before, but never actually written them down. After I did though, I thought the answers were worth sharing.

1. Why have you signed up to be Mindful in May?

I am a busy person. I have filled my life with activity to make the most of  ”it”. Much of this is giving and doing for others, and not taking time for myself. I have signed up for MiM to commit to making time for myself, for checking in with how I am and focusing on doing the right things, for me — even stopping and doing nothing, if need be.

2. What is it that you hope to learn or bring more of into your life?

I want to bring two things into my life this May. Space to live and time to do more for me. I want to nourish myself.

3. What gets in the way of practicing meditation?

What doesn’t? Life gets in the way. I’m too busy keeping up with to do lists with too many activities, too many interests and too much “living” to make it happen.

I don’t prioritise myself for fear of upsetting others.

I stay silent on my needs and wants when I should express them and own them.

I am afraid of appearing foolish in front of friends, colleagues and even strangers. I won’t meditate in front of them for fear of their judgement.

4. What can you do for the next month to prioritise these ten minutes into your day? What would it take?

This month, I am prioritising myself, I am making time. I am setting a routine, as much as possible. I am checking in after meditation and observing how I felt before and after my 10 minutes of practice. I am going to share this with you, here. I am going to experiment with three different times of day to meditate and see which works better for me, for time, for effectiveness, for mindset.

• In the first week, I will meditate at the end of the working day, to break myself out of my work mindset.
• In the second week, I will meditate in the middle of the working day, to give myself a chance to check in and check up on myself.
• In the third week, I will meditate at the beginning of the day, before going to work, to set my intention for the day ahead.
• After the third week, I will choose one of those times to continue for the rest of May.

5. How does stress manifest in your life?

This year I’ve been thinking a lot about stress. I put quite a bit of it on myself, perhaps I think I thrive on it, but I don’t really. I assume that people have expectations of me that are beyond reality. I also put high expectations on myself. When I don’t meet those expectations, stress manifests in panic. I panic about all of those things that I was going to do, that I haven’t done, that I need to do, that other people were “expecting” me to do, and I get a churning feeling in my gut. I then get angry at myself that I haven’t done them. I beat myself up about them and then either frenzy to catch up, or just ignore the problem and hope it will go away. I also shut down and don’t communicate.

Not healthy. I am stopping this behaviour, little bit by little bit. Mindfulness is part of that.

6. What impact does your stress have on you and those around you?

When anyone becomes erratic, it’s not easy on those around them. I know that I can be erratic: high as a bird or in a slump, buzzing or snappy when I am stressed and that is difficult to deal with. When people, when those who I love, aren’t sure of what is going on, when I’m not communicating, when I’m angry with myself and the world, it is understandable that people might want to pull back. I don’t want them to do that.

7. How important is it to you to commit to this 31 day program and why?

I need this. Mindful in May is an important part of me making time for myself and following my dreams, rather than just working for others. At the end of the month I hope to be  in a habit of making time for myself. I hope to begin to make time for myself in my everyday life, not just for special occasions and challenges such as this. 

This is my intention for these 31 days. I am making time for myself. I am building change into my life. 

Through Mindful in May, we are also raising money for charity:water.  Over $68,000 has been raised so far, enough to help construct wells for over 13 villages, providing clean, safe water and ensuring that people don’t have to travel (often over 5 km per day) to fetch it. Less travel means more time that could be better spent living life, going to school, working and less danger on the roads, in the bush from bandits and rapists. Please help us by clicking here and donating.